How to Fuck Shit Up

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking how can I fuck shit up tonight? I want to fuck shit up. I want to have some crazy story to tell the nurse when I wake up in hospital. Well fear not, for here are some guidelines, notes and tips.

Step one: Abbreviate fuck shit up for “FSU” and when people ask you want you’re doing later, aggressively shout “FSU” at them while making eye contact. When they ask what this means or if you are okay, reply, “I’m going to fuck shit up”.

Step two: Prepare yourself to fuck shit up.

- Start tugging one off to some dirty porn, but don’t finish. Just leave your body filled up with hormones and sexual tension.

-Lift some weights, do this naked and in front of a mirror.

-Eat a manly dinner consisting of at least 3 different types of meat.

-Burn some stuff to prove to everyone you are master of the fire element.

-Don’t shower, keep it musky.

Step 3: Pre drink. Jesus liked his wine and so should you. But instead of pussy wine choose something more brutal. Pre drinks should begin at 7 and last until 11.

-Begin playing games such as “Arrogance”-Sit in a circle with a large vessel in the middle. Pour your chosen amount of beverage into the vessel and flip a coin, get the call right and you don’t drink, the next person then pours their drink in and flips the coin etc. If you get the call wrong however you must down the built up amount of beverage. Be a dick and use straight vodka as your pre drink, whether you bought it or not.

-Edward cider hands can be performed during arrogance for maximum man points.

-Dead Man’s Walk- Buy a large drink, usually cider based from a local shop. For every two steps back to your house, drink a mouthful.

-If feeling brave, perform Tequila Challenge.

-Don’t stop pre drinking until you start swaying when you pee, you become aggressively loud, you have broken something of value to someone, people are commenting on how drunk you are, nudity is involved, you publicly declare how fertile you are.

Step 4: Make it to your destination. This is vital to Fucking Shit Up. You must barge your way into the taxi, letting girls in first is for homosexuals and people who don’t get enough sex. If needs be, run there. Be it a club or pub. You must then perform 5 seconds of your best sober act to the bouncer, make eye contact but remain silent. Now once inside declare “IM GOING TO FUCK SHIT UP! I WONT APOLOGISE FOR BEING THIS AWESOME.”

Step 5: Begin to Fuck Shit Up. Order a line of shots. Tell the barmaid you are having an operation tomorrow, when she asks what for shout, “I need a dick reduction.”

Finish the shots and get some double vodkas in. Double fist these bad boys. If anybody challenges you to a downing contest, be it a standard drink or a strawpedo, accept the challenge and win.

Step 6: Continue to Fuck Shit Up. Force people to buy you drinks. When pissing, describe your penis in detail to those next to you. Don’t feel you have to piss in the urinal, begin to see this as optional. Begin to set aims for yourself, for example: I want to get on the stage and remain up there for 60 seconds minimum, I want to pull at least 5 girls in before midnight, I want to get a photo of me bumming the DJ, I want to try and initiate a threesome. Now perform all of your goals.

Step 7: Really raise the bar now. Take it to another level. Take no responsibility for your actions. Ignore the law. Ignore people’s advice. I cannot give you instructions for the final part of your night, this you must find within yourself, on completion of your goals you should have a sense of accomplishment and confidence that anything is possible. Use this to fuel your actions. Finally, aim to sleep somewhere impressive.

Step 8: Wake up, whether you are in hospital, another person’s bathroom, in an industrial bin, in the police station, on a rooftop, in a different country, under a car, in a garden, in a tree, inside the grounds of a nursery, at the zoo, on a roundabout or even in a moving vehicle driven by a Thai family who speak no English. Once awake try and remember what happened and document it.

Step 9: Repeat steps 1-8.