Beer Pong

Beer Pong:- a sport or merely a game, beer pong is a lifestyle choice.

"Hey bob, what are you doing tonight?"
"Not much Allah (Tabs), you?"
"I'm going to be the king of the arena tonight, in some grueling beer pong battles, just me and my balls will decide the fate of my evening and maybe even the next few days."
A stunned silence filled the room, a mild fever of envy washed over Bob and his none beer pong playing friends.

My pre-game warm up

I always find it useful to limber up before a session, it's not like I have caddy to rub me down after a particularly sweaty encounter; these battles can go on for some time as well.

Game Plan

1. Always urinate before your first frame, the first game could be your longest and you do not want to be THAT GUY that wants to take a break mid game.
2. Pick-a-Cup, do not randomly aim for the lot, chose a cup and make that ball's destiny come true.
3. Some say that getting one testicle out on the table is unorthodox (some can fuck off)
4. Stay focused, your vision is blurred and your words are slurred but you must keep sharp. Do not get distracted by any nipples that might be shown as that nipple probably belongs to a man.
5. BE AWESOME, phrases like "I'm AWESOME" are acceptable
6. Make women feel uncomfortable, "This frame is going to be crazy good, because girls can not throw and girls can not drink!"

Hit 3 cups in a row and you are ON FIRE

Hit 5 cups in a row and you are LIVING THE DREAM

Most of all its about winning! 

HAPPY PONGING!

Clarity.

Clarity can be defined as this:

The quality of coherence and intelligibility

How does one gain such a state of mind? Good question. You are a great student. And to this question, there is only one answer. Masturbation.

Have you ever experience those moments when your vision is clouded by your sex drive? When you are debating whether to have sexual intercourse with the hooker you are now laying on a dirty bed with? Or when you are trying to accomplish a simple task such as driving, revising or even breathing but your head is full of cumshots, blowjobs, gagging and borderline rape imagery? Then masturbate.

“Only through the action of emptying your balls will you empty your mind.”-Rhodri Thomas. 2011. Post-aggressive masturbation session.

Next time you are shaving your ball-fro in preparation for some dirty sex with say a 6 out of 10 female. Look yourself in the mirror, look at your dick, look at your half shaven pubic region, the “chemo” stage as I call it. Now start masturbating, furiously. Slap some baby oil on there and have a good time. Now look once more in the mirror and ask yourself, do I really want to do this? Is my dick not worth more than that 6 out of 10 whore? The chances are you will reconsider and your dick will thank you.

Optimum masturbation times:

• As soon as you wake up. Start knocking one out and you will have clear thoughts all day, plus clean up is easy, as you have to shower anyway.
• Mid-beer pong game as a distraction.
• When you are considering whether to booty call the weird girl who has a dangerous amount of mutual friends on Facebook.
• Before a family event, as to avoid inbreeding.
• On a rollercoaster.
• At any time you can’t find sellotape.
• At a sperm bank.

Worst masturbation times: 

• Funerals.
• Nurseries.
• At the funeral of a child.
• While teaching children sports.
• At court when defending your case for masturbating while teaching children sports.
• Christenings.
• At church in general.
• In a mosque.
• Onto a mosque.
• On request of your father, who is holding a video camera.

Don't fight it. Don't be a hero.

Happy Masturbating!

I don’t give a fuck what movie we watch.

Booty calls. We have all had them/done them/know about them/tried to arrange ones that aren’t socially acceptable e.g. with a recently pubertal female.  

A metaphor for underage priming of vagina.

So booty calls are no secret to any of us. The important point I would like to raise today is the pointless shit that happens almost every time.

Here is an example of a pre-booty call conversation, via FB chat.

Male: Hey how are you? What are you up to later?

Female: I’m fine thank you, not doing much just writing some notes and then going to Tesco to get some dinner.

Male: Yeah I have to start making dinner soon too, good point, just got back from the park, such a lovely day.

Female: What are you doing later?

Male: Nothing much, do you want to hang out? Maybe watch a DVD?

Female: Yeah sure that sounds great, see you in an hour?

Male: See you then x

So now, I'm going to Derren Brown this shit and tell you what he really wants to say:

Male: Hi slut. Don’t give a shit how you are or what your doing but tell me anyway.

Female: I’m fine thank you, not doing much just writing some notes and then going to Tesco to get some dinner.

Male: I literally couldn’t give a fuck, even if I had a bag full of fucks, I would keep them all and not give one fuck. I am hoarding all of my fucks.

Female: What are you doing?

Male: If you really want to know, I just finished a brutal pornathon, all the fisting and terrible disrespectful things I saw being done to a plethora of woman, plus this open can of tuna next to me…it all just reminded me of you. So yeah, I did search your facebook albums until I found the money shot 'Summer  2010 " and had a half wank over your bikini photos. So I am now ready to pound you until we get thigh to thigh friction burns and I know as soon as I come I will instantly regret it. I don’t even want to look you in the eye, I don’t want to hug or hi five you, I don’t want to hear any kind of noise except the sound of my dick touching your tonsils and then your kidneys. As soon as you finish swallowing I will preferably be half way home.

Female: Yeah sure that sounds great, see you in an hour?

Male: Got the coat hangers ready. You massive whore.

I'm going to fuck you in your soul.

What I have delicately broken down here is the inner working of the male mind. But realistically both parties know what is about to happen. The word DVD, should stand for DICK. VAGINA. DICK. As soon as somebody asks to watch a DVD that just means sex, I want to have sex with you, and preferably we don't tell anyone.

When you arrive at the slut’s house or she arrives at yours, why, please tell me why she bothers asking what film you are going to watch. I could watch fucking Schindler’s List because I know 6 minutes in I’m going to start touching her tits and before we hit 10 minutes my dick will be within striking range of her vagina.

In summary: I don’t give a fuck what movie we watch.