I don’t give a fuck what movie we watch.

Booty calls. We have all had them/done them/know about them/tried to arrange ones that aren’t socially acceptable e.g. with a recently pubertal female.  

A metaphor for underage priming of vagina.

So booty calls are no secret to any of us. The important point I would like to raise today is the pointless shit that happens almost every time.

Here is an example of a pre-booty call conversation, via FB chat.

Male: Hey how are you? What are you up to later?

Female: I’m fine thank you, not doing much just writing some notes and then going to Tesco to get some dinner.

Male: Yeah I have to start making dinner soon too, good point, just got back from the park, such a lovely day.

Female: What are you doing later?

Male: Nothing much, do you want to hang out? Maybe watch a DVD?

Female: Yeah sure that sounds great, see you in an hour?

Male: See you then x

So now, I'm going to Derren Brown this shit and tell you what he really wants to say:

Male: Hi slut. Don’t give a shit how you are or what your doing but tell me anyway.

Female: I’m fine thank you, not doing much just writing some notes and then going to Tesco to get some dinner.

Male: I literally couldn’t give a fuck, even if I had a bag full of fucks, I would keep them all and not give one fuck. I am hoarding all of my fucks.

Female: What are you doing?

Male: If you really want to know, I just finished a brutal pornathon, all the fisting and terrible disrespectful things I saw being done to a plethora of woman, plus this open can of tuna next to me…it all just reminded me of you. So yeah, I did search your facebook albums until I found the money shot 'Summer  2010 " and had a half wank over your bikini photos. So I am now ready to pound you until we get thigh to thigh friction burns and I know as soon as I come I will instantly regret it. I don’t even want to look you in the eye, I don’t want to hug or hi five you, I don’t want to hear any kind of noise except the sound of my dick touching your tonsils and then your kidneys. As soon as you finish swallowing I will preferably be half way home.

Female: Yeah sure that sounds great, see you in an hour?

Male: Got the coat hangers ready. You massive whore.

I'm going to fuck you in your soul.

What I have delicately broken down here is the inner working of the male mind. But realistically both parties know what is about to happen. The word DVD, should stand for DICK. VAGINA. DICK. As soon as somebody asks to watch a DVD that just means sex, I want to have sex with you, and preferably we don't tell anyone.

When you arrive at the slut’s house or she arrives at yours, why, please tell me why she bothers asking what film you are going to watch. I could watch fucking Schindler’s List because I know 6 minutes in I’m going to start touching her tits and before we hit 10 minutes my dick will be within striking range of her vagina.

In summary: I don’t give a fuck what movie we watch.