Christmas Dinner, Extra Gravy

Unfortunately or fortunately this fable, depending on how you view this series of incidents, contains me but is not about me. (this story must be read in a voice as if a paedophile would read a fairy tale to a child to make him fall to sleep)

It all started on a cold-cold night at the end of the Michaelmas term, everybody had finished their studies for the year and it was time for Christmas dinner at 36 No-Manners Road. The four young men were excited about their dinner and their dangerous amounts of drinking that was to follow.

“Can I have some more gravy?” Baby Jesus asked, but there was none and he was so sad.

Gravy Always Quenches Justin's Almighty Thirst

36 No-Manners Road consists of four big smart boys, Prancer, Lancer, Dancer and Baby Jesus. After dinner, which was a scrumptious and warming chicken roast dinner; the boys found a full bottle of their favourite Christmas poison, Port. Once the bottle was open it was absolute sacrilege to let the bottle touch the table before it had gone down in to their big smart bellies.

The big smart boys all went on a big silly night out and had an absolute hoot, Prancer, Lancer and Dancer all went home and slept a wonderful night’s sleep. As for Baby Jesus, he did not sleep very much at all.

Baby Jesus met a wonderful little slut-whore-skank-local-gal called Chelsea; she was so friendly she assumed that getting her breasts out in the club was the norm. After the infectious first impressions they made their way to a sofa in a friend’s house. With a little Christmas magic there was a twinkle in her eyes and all of a sudden she was naked, Baby Jesus was glad that he had been a good boy all year and Santa had delivered early.

He didn’t want to take part in penal insertion on this particular night, so he used his Christmas spirit to give her 

something that she would be great full for. He flipped her on all fours and ‘machine gunned’ her.

Machine Gunning Defined: The act of fingering somebody from behind whilst shaping your hand like a gun and having the rhythm of a machine gun.

Friction Burn

Whilst partaking in this action, he felt that the sights to the gun (her outer most sphincter) needed opening up. So using the thumb of the gun and a little assistance from his lingual muscle, he had prised open her tiny pot of nutella and a burst of aromatic nutty flavours emitted from her petite arsehole.

At the end of her 40 minute Christmas probing, Baby Jesus got his hand back only to find the remnants of the inside of her womb, coating his hands. He was analysing the area, searching for a good spot to off load the period that swamped his claws. In embarrassment, slut-i-ness or just pure pleasure Chelsea grabbed Baby Jesus’ hand licked it all off as if it were the last bit of the most delicious gravy she had ever had.

Baby Jesus was happy that somebody got some extra gravy, even it wasn’t himself. When he returned home to Prancer, Lancer and Dancer he showed them all his nails, they had enough dirt under them to scrape them out and use them as gravy granules ourselves.

Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy your gravy.

DOES GOD LOVE INBREEDING?

This is an age-old question that Bible seems to neglect to explain or even have a chapter on. I think it would fit in nicely just after Corinthians-I have no idea what is in Corinthians but I hear that shit a lot at weddings. 

Let’s just look at the evidence:

1.      First thing God does when creating his new race is just make one man and one woman. He’s like ‘Fuck making more than two people, now I can focus my attention entirely on these, naked, confused, vulnerable and sexually inquisitive young people.’

2.      As God is ‘all around us’ he must have watched them awkwardly fuck for the first time. 

3.      Further to this he then watched their children fuck.

4.      He then watched 3 generations all fucking each other. Pure brother on sister vaginal intercourse.

5.      Obviously once the world’s population had grown God needed his fix again. Perfect timing for a big fuck off flood? Yes.

6.      Forcing not only Noah and his family but also a bunch of animals to be the only survivors. I imagine he included animals on the cramped boat for 40 days and 40 nights in the hope that a member of Noah’s family would crack and take a Panda doggystyle. Sick motherfucker.

7.      According to the bible no bestiality did take place although personally I think that’s bullshit.

8. Finally after surviving the flood God watched as Noah and his family were all forced to fuck each other in order to repopulate the world.
9. Who knows when God gets this urge again but surely it will be any day soon. Just hope you are one of the lucky ones who die and you are not forced to fuck your family members while the almighty pervert watches.
10. Merry Christmas.

Just to make it worse. I'm black.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

Snow white and 7 dwarves. 

I’m going to label this as one of the more inappropriate Disney stories. Essentially- a queen hunts down an attractive girl, severely roofies her with an apple and 7 small, dwarfed men put her in a glass coffin. These seven dwarves are enchanted by the lady in a coma and suffer irresistible urges to fuck her when she obviously needs medical attention. Eventually a tall prince finds her, is attracted to her despite surely looking emaciated and stinking of bowel movements. He forces the blue balls dwarves to move her and in doing so, they dislodge the magical roofie in her throat, she wakes up and falls in love with the tall prince.

"I'm going to hit this shit from the back"

Several problems with this story:

1. There is no explanation to how such an effective roofie is forged without modern technology.
2. Was a glass coffin necessary? So that the dwarves can now watch her body slowly decompose? I guess the easy-wipe feature of the glass was an advantage.
3. THEY NEVER SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.
4. Does this mean all dwarves enjoy necrophilia? Food for thought.
5. On the upside if snow white had said to one of the dwarves “go down on me” he could simply reply, “I’m already down on you.”
6. I just don’t see how a man could be attracted to essentially a dead body protected by a clan of dwarves suffering from blue balls.
7. Surely for a second he must have questioned the situation he walked into was a hoax? He was being Punk’d? Or this was a strange dwarven sex cult?
8. If they made a Snow White 2 it would surely be a full on gang rape situation with 7 dwarves just going at her with no mercy.  Then Papa Smurf would pop out of nowhere, like “I’m going to eat our your ass!!”
9. Number 8 was completely factual.