Damn Amsterdam

The first day of mine and Dan's long awaited ‘Euro Trip’. We land in Amsterdam. The air is fresh, crisp and nobody speaks English. This makes finding the train into the centre quite a mission; finally after being tricked by a Dutch whore we get the correct train.

We hadn’t eaten much that day but our spirits were high as we bustle our way off the train and immediately detect a scent in the air. Marijuana.

We know this is a sign. We begin power walking towards the nearest ‘coffee shop’ we are too excited and are now jogging down the street looking down every side alley until we find it ‘420 café’.

Even if you see Madeline McCann inside. Never go in here.

As soon as we pull back those doors we are hit in the face by a wave of drugs. We eagerly make our way inside and Dan makes our order. We sit ourselves up on the table next to the window to enjoy the view. Soon we begin enjoying the marijuana, only 4 minutes or so have passed when this happens.

“I FEEL LIKE I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!” Dan begins freaking out.

“This has never happened before, I cant breathe, something is wrong, I feel sick, yes, yes I am going to throw up, im going to the toilet!”

I sit there completely still, my eyes slightly squinted just looking at him in silence. During Dan's whole speech I just watch him and offer no assistance. The look of fear in his eyes means nothing to me. Looking back this probably wasn’t the most useful thing I could have done but I was high. As he left I began appreciating all the work that must have gone into that pebbled street, there were so many pebbles!

Then it begins. No warning. BAM. My heart starts racing faster than Anne Frank when she drops her pen. I can only feel my heartbeat inside my head and deep in my neck. This is not a good sign. Dan returns.

Me: “Im freaking out too, this is horrible! I think I’m going to go into a coma. We are going to die on our first day. I hate pebbles!!” after sharing this, we leave the café but can only make to literally 1 metre from the entrance.

Now what we did not realise was that due to not eating any food and now smoking our blood sugar levels were very very low and our blood pressure massively increased. Luckily we are standing opposite a waffle house. By this point Dan can barely move. We shuffle inside and order two waffles with everything. We soon finish these and go to the next shop down, they sell pizza. We destroy one pizza each, this whole process has been performed in silence. Still unsatisfied but now beginning to be able to talk to each other we make our way to burger king. Here we devour the biggest meal they have and feel we can now carry on.

By this time it is dark outside and we were meant to be couchsurfing that night. Couchsurfing involves messaging a random person on this website then organising to stay with them for free, unsurprisingly, the risk of rape is high. I pull out the crumpled piece of paper with directions and we make our way onto a tram. Our tram soon crashes into a car. Can this day get worse?! Yes it can.

We find the block of flats we want. Standing in the freezing cold, all hostels booked we have no option but to ring the bell.

Martin:“Ello”

Dan and I:“Hi, we are here to stay with you”

Martin:“Come on up…zee door iz open”

Nervously we make our way upstairs, to the top floor, which I would just like to note, is often the floor of rape in movies. The door is ajar and there are no lights on inside. We push the door forward and walk in. Martin is there. He is lying on his bed with a guitar. The lights are off and only candles illuminate the room. I would just like to reiterate, this actually happened.

We know we should probably leave straight away and protect our young tight anuses from being abused in the night. However, we are still high. Our judgment is impaired and we begin talking.

Dan and I: “Hi martin, thank you so much for letting us stay here.”

Martin: “I have mapz. You want to see my mapz?”

Me: “Sure…”

We are then subjected to a tour of Amsterdam by Martins finger and his massive map. This actually turned out to be quite useful although interestingly, he did not point out the police station. Tired from the day of hell, we decide its best just to get a huge sleep in and be ready to fully explore tomorrow. We quickly end the conversation, wash in his piss stained bathroom and sleep in his lounge, our butt cheeks clenched the whole time.

I wake up the next day covered, I mean covered in sweat. I am thankful my ass appears to be intact. I strip naked and adopt the crucifix position feeling very exposed and hoping Martin and his map-pointing finger do not re-enter the room. After drinking as much water as possible I wake Dan and we soon continue the rest of what was a ridiculous month...

If you smell this picture hard enough, you can actually smell  rape.