The Art of Priming

How has technology changed the way we put P in V? A lot my friend, a lot.

‘Priming the Vag’ as I call it, is a process of mental foreplay whereby you secure the Vag through wit, comedy and outrageous flirting. Don’t get me wrong, priming is truly an art. It is a careful process whereby you must enter the psyche of a woman and by use of subliminal messaging and correctly timed flirtatious remarks you can secure a date, a booty call, a fuddy and I’m not a scientist, but maybe even a wife. 

Nowadays priming has never been so simple. However before we get to how we prime these days let us look at the History of Priming...

Cavemen

Lets take it right back to the start. Cavemen had the most intense priming routine in history. After years of research, I have deduced three main methods cavemen used:

·         Grunting- A loud vocal vibration stemming directly from their loins. This was essentially the earliest version of a surprise romantic phone call.

·         Public displays of their captured meat- This was preferably wrapped in a tunic form around their naked bodies, yet still exposing their man junk at the same time. This is the earliest form of ‘sending a dick pic’ I came across.

·        The most violent eye fucking since the beginning of time-The ultimate masters of eye fucking, cavemen would stare so intently into a woman’s eyes that she would ignore his massive bush and outrageous back hair.

Ancient Egypt

The next leap in civilisation we come to is Ancient Egypt. Priming back in these days was an elaborate process. Mainly because Egypt wasn’t very sexy, just kinky. The majority of priming was performed through hieroglyphics. Here is such an example I found while researching this topic in Egypt.

Yeah. Don't neglect the balls.

There is a rumour pyramids were purely invented as a way of showing off, instead of showing a woman wit or humour, Egyptians would build these great temples as a symbol of their sexual prowess. A very early way to prime the female mind.

"I like my pyramid you made for me, I welcome you into my  vaginal canal."

The Roman Empire

Midway through the evolution of civilisation we reach the Roman Empire. The best priming method a man could here use was impressive displays of gladiatorial skill.

Imagine 50,000 people in a colossal stone built stadium, watching you holding back a lion with one hand, a stream of blood and sweat glistening down your chest onto your untrimmed pubes, your bellend just visible underneath your gladiator skirt as you look into the eyes of your female target. No woman can resist such a vision.

Their Vag is primed with several coats of priming paint and finished with a waterproof covering, because you know that shit is gunna get messy.

Mid-Gladiatorial Priming. Guaranteed Vag.

The Middle Ages 

Now this was just a fucking boring time for everyone. The only way a man could entertain himself was priming and penetrating Vag. With so much disease, death and poverty around the only light of hope for men emanated from the hymens of fruitful virgins. Therefore, men of the Middle Ages focussed most of their attention on the priming of virgins.

Therefore a great leap in priming occurred. I name it ‘The Great Leap of Priming.’ Priming evolved during this time to become less violent, it was becoming a subtle art. By careful use of words and phrases men all over Europe were finding themselves waist, if not shoulder deep, in successfully primed Vag. We have to thank these men, for through these brutal years they struggled on and the art of priming was not lost.

Sometime even dressing up as a young boy, was the only way these men could prime the hymens.

1600- 1939

Lets rock back to these early years. Priming in these years was a continuation of the ‘Great Leap of Priming’.  Methods advanced from the middles ages, diverting away from face to face contact, men spent hours in dark rooms lit with flickering candlelight, quill pens in hand, writing letters. They would wait weeks for a reply. However, purely the lag of contact time was a cock block in itself. 

In an effort to speed up replies, messages were sent by pigeon. However it was found pigeons were not always reliable mail deliverers. Many pigeons got lost on their way, many flew off course to prime their own pigeon Vag and some just bailed because they were lazy fucking pigeons.

In an effort to overcome this, men had to fall back on delivering messages on horseback. This brought back the un-needed effort of face-to-face contact.  

Evidence of successful pigeon vag priming

1939-1979

War Pussy. In the early years men were priming all kinds of battle scarred Vag. A mixture of written letters, typed letters and early telephone calls were used. With the mail system much more reliable and improved the era of ‘Sailing’ began (Sexual mailing). Letters were overflowing with sexual diagrams and connotations. Nazi’s were the leaders in Sailing, forcing their Jewish enemies underground this also gave rise to ‘Soorboarding’ (Sexual Floorboarding.) This involved a variation of Morse code combined with crude engravings of large phalluses. Evidence for this appeared underneath floorboards all over Europe.

These crazes died out as the war ended. As men now dawned on the age of the Internet and the mobile phone.

Like the stories of Jesus, priming spread throughout Europe by word of mouth.

Present Day

Nowadays Vag can be primed without even leaving the comfort of your bed. 3 Main pieces of kit now are mainstream in modern day Priming.

1.Mobile Phone-This is invaluable vaginal weaponry. BBM-ing, Whatsapp-ing, Sexting, you never even have to have vocal contact with your prey until the day of penetration.

2.Facebook-Not only does this site supply you with summer bikini photos, but also facebook chat which some believe was invented purely for priming. I am one of those people.

3.Skype, MSN, etc.-Typing, Talking, Webcam optional. Need I say more?

Mission Accomplished.

So get out there men, get out there and prime!