A message from Rhodri to Tabs

SMS:
RT 12:24
Last night, I arranged to watch a film at this medics house who literally has aphrodities body, just the milkiest biggest tits in Cardiff. Got to hers circa 10pm, watched about 15 minutes of Kiterunner, got her naked and just went in HAM. Tore her up bare back viciously. Took a 10 minute post come break and just hit that shit again froggystyle. It was almost wrong the way we made love. I showed her no respect but after the finalshot to the mouthshe asked me to stay to cuddle. Obviously this was blasphemy so I told her I had an early lecture and left asap. TO MY DELIGHT I had a text from a Hollister whore who was in Revs asking where I was, so as I drove home I told her I just got back from Revs and suggested she should get a taxi to mine.The filthy whore obliged. She arrived, i took her upstairs, didn't even high five or hug her.
"I'm cold" she said
"My dick is warm"
She refused to take the hint, so I mounted her chest. (This spanned over a 28 seconds period)
Then just had her suck my dick, pinned down, at times forcing deep throat very much like throatfucking.com. Didn't even wash it having preeviously ruind medic girls fallopian tubes 10 minutes earlier. When she finished the deed I told her to get a taxi home. She did. Whore. I'M BACK TO BEING A GREAT PERSON!xxx

DT 12:34
Agreed. x

The Megabowl Report

MEGABOWL:- The assembly of a group of heroes, fighting the beer pong war to become the ultimate status of "more covered in beer than everybody" It is the mortal combat of SEGA, the Milk shake of porn http://xxxbunker.com/2666177, it is what post birth vaginal plastic surgery is to husbands in need, it is the moment saying No turns in to a court case. IT IS GLORIOUS.

(please note: This is a real event, only 2 desks were destroyed making this film. Stick with the full 2 minutes)

The beautiful moment in the final, where lives were changed for the better. Some people liken this moment to the falling of the Berlin Wall. It reminded me more of the birth of Jesus. We can all agree that Baby P made us proud with his Swan Dance début, Baby P is currently training to be a member of the Royal Ballet School we all wish him the best of luck.

Other mentions go to Nathan Bedford Forrest (first Grand Wizard of the KKK) who managed to distribute his semi-digested dinner in to his own pointed face mask.

BE A GOD AMONGST MEN!!

Mystery Woman

After boozing furiously with a bunch of crazy women (the fact that they were all in a synchronised menstrual plummet of hating men, had in no way any influence that I would leave them for the hopes of better things ahead) I left them.

Clubs were shutting and a plague of whores were roaming the streets, usually I would be more than intrigued to converse with these undesirables but I felt like something special was going to happen tonight. I stumbled, dribbled and pissed in public under no concealment of the shadows, there were rumours building in the crowd that assembled (a drunk couple walked passed).
"BRAVEHEART!" the man shouted
"FREEDOM!" I replied with no hesitation.

Just shaking myself off

I decided to move on from my spot light (street lamp). Little did I know that I was about to stumble across a new companion to travel with me along my treacherous journey home. There were some kind of forces that pulled us together, some might call it fate, I called it love. He looked so beautiful lying there unconscious in the flower bed, like a noble man. He had his wallet and his phone lying on his chest, yes I could have acquired his things. But I woke him. First I shouted.
"Hey, fuck face!" For some reason I thought that name suited him. No response. So I decided to get physical,  he received the hand of god across the chops. Understandably he was startled and he bellowed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom?"
He was obviously a fine drinker. I offered him my help and we started the walk home, my guess at his name was pretty close his name was James.

*

20 mins later and only 200m further on

*

A woman appeared in front of us. (Let's call him fuck face again or FF for short) FF was approached and they exchanged saliva, I thought that he had shit game so I slapped Whore on the ass, and she liked my game.  When I looked up from my use at the Bureau De Saliva, FF had gone. 

Whore (let's call her Whore for short) was walking home in my direction. She made a weird noise (she was talking) usually I would ignore any exchange of words, her choice of vocabulary was interesting.

"Pick a car?" she said.

I pointed nervously or slightly aroused can not quite remember. She elegantly stumbled over to the steel stallion, bent over the bonnet. And whorishly whispered the words of an angel. "Get it over with then."

I laughed but she insisted this was no joke.

*

I tricked her back to mine, by saying there was McDonalds next door, she wasn't fat but you knew she would always go large on her order.

*

After some time messing around. I invited her to fellate me, RSVP.... YES.

The only problem was she was a novice, and the invite clearly stated Master Jedi's ONLY. She was sucking like it she was a hoover, and there was a nasty stain on my dick. The pain was excruciating, I was trying to enjoy it, I really was, but I had to retract my offer (my penis). For her poor behaviour, I decided to use my 'stained' penis to hurt her, so I slapped whore across the face with it, obviously I was putting some power in to the cock slap and I followed through and punched her in the face as well. 

Whether it was the screaming or punching that I received, something was telling me that she was a little annoyed.

In the crotch area of her leggings was a finger sized hole, accessible for my single digit, yes. But not for a fist full of loving. Asking if removing them was an option, but we both knew that it was going to happen. I placed the index finger and middle finger of both hands in this wee hole. Using my HE-MAN strength I destroyed them in one foul swoop.

PRIDE RAN THROUGH MY VEINS.

My erection felt more powerful than ever, and insisted on getting on top. Intercourse was briefly experienced until my alarm went off for the 0430 KO. 

*

Slept in front on the TV

*

As the morning came round I was rudely woken up by the front door being slammed. I stormed the house looking for any stolen goods. Nothing was gone. Except one pair of my trousers. My failure to remember the legging destroying moment infuriated me as to why she stole my trousers.

Whores' A/S/L- Unknown/Female?/Unknown

Beer Pong

Beer Pong:- a sport or merely a game, beer pong is a lifestyle choice.

"Hey bob, what are you doing tonight?"
"Not much Allah (Tabs), you?"
"I'm going to be the king of the arena tonight, in some grueling beer pong battles, just me and my balls will decide the fate of my evening and maybe even the next few days."
A stunned silence filled the room, a mild fever of envy washed over Bob and his none beer pong playing friends.

My pre-game warm up

I always find it useful to limber up before a session, it's not like I have caddy to rub me down after a particularly sweaty encounter; these battles can go on for some time as well.

Game Plan

1. Always urinate before your first frame, the first game could be your longest and you do not want to be THAT GUY that wants to take a break mid game.
2. Pick-a-Cup, do not randomly aim for the lot, chose a cup and make that ball's destiny come true.
3. Some say that getting one testicle out on the table is unorthodox (some can fuck off)
4. Stay focused, your vision is blurred and your words are slurred but you must keep sharp. Do not get distracted by any nipples that might be shown as that nipple probably belongs to a man.
5. BE AWESOME, phrases like "I'm AWESOME" are acceptable
6. Make women feel uncomfortable, "This frame is going to be crazy good, because girls can not throw and girls can not drink!"

Hit 3 cups in a row and you are ON FIRE

Hit 5 cups in a row and you are LIVING THE DREAM

Most of all its about winning! 

HAPPY PONGING!

Clarity.

Clarity can be defined as this:

The quality of coherence and intelligibility

How does one gain such a state of mind? Good question. You are a great student. And to this question, there is only one answer. Masturbation.

Have you ever experience those moments when your vision is clouded by your sex drive? When you are debating whether to have sexual intercourse with the hooker you are now laying on a dirty bed with? Or when you are trying to accomplish a simple task such as driving, revising or even breathing but your head is full of cumshots, blowjobs, gagging and borderline rape imagery? Then masturbate.

“Only through the action of emptying your balls will you empty your mind.”-Rhodri Thomas. 2011. Post-aggressive masturbation session.

Next time you are shaving your ball-fro in preparation for some dirty sex with say a 6 out of 10 female. Look yourself in the mirror, look at your dick, look at your half shaven pubic region, the “chemo” stage as I call it. Now start masturbating, furiously. Slap some baby oil on there and have a good time. Now look once more in the mirror and ask yourself, do I really want to do this? Is my dick not worth more than that 6 out of 10 whore? The chances are you will reconsider and your dick will thank you.

Optimum masturbation times:

• As soon as you wake up. Start knocking one out and you will have clear thoughts all day, plus clean up is easy, as you have to shower anyway.
• Mid-beer pong game as a distraction.
• When you are considering whether to booty call the weird girl who has a dangerous amount of mutual friends on Facebook.
• Before a family event, as to avoid inbreeding.
• On a rollercoaster.
• At any time you can’t find sellotape.
• At a sperm bank.

Worst masturbation times: 

• Funerals.
• Nurseries.
• At the funeral of a child.
• While teaching children sports.
• At court when defending your case for masturbating while teaching children sports.
• Christenings.
• At church in general.
• In a mosque.
• Onto a mosque.
• On request of your father, who is holding a video camera.

Don't fight it. Don't be a hero.

Happy Masturbating!

I don’t give a fuck what movie we watch.

Booty calls. We have all had them/done them/know about them/tried to arrange ones that aren’t socially acceptable e.g. with a recently pubertal female.  

A metaphor for underage priming of vagina.

So booty calls are no secret to any of us. The important point I would like to raise today is the pointless shit that happens almost every time.

Here is an example of a pre-booty call conversation, via FB chat.

Male: Hey how are you? What are you up to later?

Female: I’m fine thank you, not doing much just writing some notes and then going to Tesco to get some dinner.

Male: Yeah I have to start making dinner soon too, good point, just got back from the park, such a lovely day.

Female: What are you doing later?

Male: Nothing much, do you want to hang out? Maybe watch a DVD?

Female: Yeah sure that sounds great, see you in an hour?

Male: See you then x

So now, I'm going to Derren Brown this shit and tell you what he really wants to say:

Male: Hi slut. Don’t give a shit how you are or what your doing but tell me anyway.

Female: I’m fine thank you, not doing much just writing some notes and then going to Tesco to get some dinner.

Male: I literally couldn’t give a fuck, even if I had a bag full of fucks, I would keep them all and not give one fuck. I am hoarding all of my fucks.

Female: What are you doing?

Male: If you really want to know, I just finished a brutal pornathon, all the fisting and terrible disrespectful things I saw being done to a plethora of woman, plus this open can of tuna next to me…it all just reminded me of you. So yeah, I did search your facebook albums until I found the money shot 'Summer  2010 " and had a half wank over your bikini photos. So I am now ready to pound you until we get thigh to thigh friction burns and I know as soon as I come I will instantly regret it. I don’t even want to look you in the eye, I don’t want to hug or hi five you, I don’t want to hear any kind of noise except the sound of my dick touching your tonsils and then your kidneys. As soon as you finish swallowing I will preferably be half way home.

Female: Yeah sure that sounds great, see you in an hour?

Male: Got the coat hangers ready. You massive whore.

I'm going to fuck you in your soul.

What I have delicately broken down here is the inner working of the male mind. But realistically both parties know what is about to happen. The word DVD, should stand for DICK. VAGINA. DICK. As soon as somebody asks to watch a DVD that just means sex, I want to have sex with you, and preferably we don't tell anyone.

When you arrive at the slut’s house or she arrives at yours, why, please tell me why she bothers asking what film you are going to watch. I could watch fucking Schindler’s List because I know 6 minutes in I’m going to start touching her tits and before we hit 10 minutes my dick will be within striking range of her vagina.

In summary: I don’t give a fuck what movie we watch. 

Spotted Dick

During a standard night of gratuitous alcohol consumption my friend and I happened to meet a well rounded whore/cock junky. (well rounded meaning that she was ok looking and conversing with her was bearable) Other than her self confessed hunger for man sausage she was proud to be a girl fresh out of rehab, not for being a sex addict or unforgivably awesome (thats what we would go to rehabilitation for); but she enjoyed dabbling in crystal meth.

SELF LOATHING COCK JUNKY CRYSTAL METH TAKING HANDLESS WHORE

Obviously my friend and I were intrigued, and she was seductively easy. After vast amounts of provocative drinking with the gang; Jack, Sambvca, Taquilla and Smirnoff; my friend that shall remain nameless became tainted like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He was about to FSU, I quickly convinced myself that any physical contact with this "woman" would be a terrible decision; I made way and allowed him to get on with it.

He dashed to the bathroom...
Some time passed...
He returned with a smile...

I heard nothing of his antics untill the next morning, the smile had turned to fear. I woke to up to a feminine scream with an undertone of testosterone. I had a flacid red cock presented within 3 inches of my face. We were at summer camp working so everyone was in their early 20's and we were friends with everyone (nurses included) The spots were randomly dispersed over the head of his helmet. He required moral support, I accompanied him to the nurses office, little did I know that I was also going to get my penis out infront of the nurse (she was my friend).

Delicious and Nutritious

But I did, alongside my friend.

We were both in the nurses office with our unflattering floppy cocks out. This was when I found out what happened in the bathroom. He spoke:
"When she went down on me, she grasped my penis really hard" (I was already wide eyed and biting my bottom lip to refrain from laughing) he continued "and took a substantial mouthful but didn't really work the shaft" What a choice of words, I had turned my head to control the laughter that was about to erupt.

The nurse was about to make her diagnosis, we were still revealing all, his red and pimpled whilst mine was smooth and beautiful.

Nursey announced that I was fine and that I could replace my penis to where it belonged. And then went on to tell my friend that "she must have had great suction, that is essentially a love bite on your penis, I've seen it it before" Not only did it stop him from having sex, it wasn't even original.