Christmas Dinner, Extra Gravy

Unfortunately or fortunately this fable, depending on how you view this series of incidents, contains me but is not about me. (this story must be read in a voice as if a paedophile would read a fairy tale to a child to make him fall to sleep)

It all started on a cold-cold night at the end of the Michaelmas term, everybody had finished their studies for the year and it was time for Christmas dinner at 36 No-Manners Road. The four young men were excited about their dinner and their dangerous amounts of drinking that was to follow.

“Can I have some more gravy?” Baby Jesus asked, but there was none and he was so sad.

Gravy Always Quenches Justin's Almighty Thirst

36 No-Manners Road consists of four big smart boys, Prancer, Lancer, Dancer and Baby Jesus. After dinner, which was a scrumptious and warming chicken roast dinner; the boys found a full bottle of their favourite Christmas poison, Port. Once the bottle was open it was absolute sacrilege to let the bottle touch the table before it had gone down in to their big smart bellies.

The big smart boys all went on a big silly night out and had an absolute hoot, Prancer, Lancer and Dancer all went home and slept a wonderful night’s sleep. As for Baby Jesus, he did not sleep very much at all.

Baby Jesus met a wonderful little slut-whore-skank-local-gal called Chelsea; she was so friendly she assumed that getting her breasts out in the club was the norm. After the infectious first impressions they made their way to a sofa in a friend’s house. With a little Christmas magic there was a twinkle in her eyes and all of a sudden she was naked, Baby Jesus was glad that he had been a good boy all year and Santa had delivered early.

He didn’t want to take part in penal insertion on this particular night, so he used his Christmas spirit to give her 

something that she would be great full for. He flipped her on all fours and ‘machine gunned’ her.

Machine Gunning Defined: The act of fingering somebody from behind whilst shaping your hand like a gun and having the rhythm of a machine gun.

Friction Burn

Whilst partaking in this action, he felt that the sights to the gun (her outer most sphincter) needed opening up. So using the thumb of the gun and a little assistance from his lingual muscle, he had prised open her tiny pot of nutella and a burst of aromatic nutty flavours emitted from her petite arsehole.

At the end of her 40 minute Christmas probing, Baby Jesus got his hand back only to find the remnants of the inside of her womb, coating his hands. He was analysing the area, searching for a good spot to off load the period that swamped his claws. In embarrassment, slut-i-ness or just pure pleasure Chelsea grabbed Baby Jesus’ hand licked it all off as if it were the last bit of the most delicious gravy she had ever had.

Baby Jesus was happy that somebody got some extra gravy, even it wasn’t himself. When he returned home to Prancer, Lancer and Dancer he showed them all his nails, they had enough dirt under them to scrape them out and use them as gravy granules ourselves.

Merry Christmas everyone, enjoy your gravy.

DOES GOD LOVE INBREEDING?

This is an age-old question that Bible seems to neglect to explain or even have a chapter on. I think it would fit in nicely just after Corinthians-I have no idea what is in Corinthians but I hear that shit a lot at weddings. 

Let’s just look at the evidence:

1.      First thing God does when creating his new race is just make one man and one woman. He’s like ‘Fuck making more than two people, now I can focus my attention entirely on these, naked, confused, vulnerable and sexually inquisitive young people.’

2.      As God is ‘all around us’ he must have watched them awkwardly fuck for the first time. 

3.      Further to this he then watched their children fuck.

4.      He then watched 3 generations all fucking each other. Pure brother on sister vaginal intercourse.

5.      Obviously once the world’s population had grown God needed his fix again. Perfect timing for a big fuck off flood? Yes.

6.      Forcing not only Noah and his family but also a bunch of animals to be the only survivors. I imagine he included animals on the cramped boat for 40 days and 40 nights in the hope that a member of Noah’s family would crack and take a Panda doggystyle. Sick motherfucker.

7.      According to the bible no bestiality did take place although personally I think that’s bullshit.

8. Finally after surviving the flood God watched as Noah and his family were all forced to fuck each other in order to repopulate the world.
9. Who knows when God gets this urge again but surely it will be any day soon. Just hope you are one of the lucky ones who die and you are not forced to fuck your family members while the almighty pervert watches.
10. Merry Christmas.

Just to make it worse. I'm black.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES

Snow white and 7 dwarves. 

I’m going to label this as one of the more inappropriate Disney stories. Essentially- a queen hunts down an attractive girl, severely roofies her with an apple and 7 small, dwarfed men put her in a glass coffin. These seven dwarves are enchanted by the lady in a coma and suffer irresistible urges to fuck her when she obviously needs medical attention. Eventually a tall prince finds her, is attracted to her despite surely looking emaciated and stinking of bowel movements. He forces the blue balls dwarves to move her and in doing so, they dislodge the magical roofie in her throat, she wakes up and falls in love with the tall prince.

"I'm going to hit this shit from the back"

Several problems with this story:

1. There is no explanation to how such an effective roofie is forged without modern technology.
2. Was a glass coffin necessary? So that the dwarves can now watch her body slowly decompose? I guess the easy-wipe feature of the glass was an advantage.
3. THEY NEVER SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.
4. Does this mean all dwarves enjoy necrophilia? Food for thought.
5. On the upside if snow white had said to one of the dwarves “go down on me” he could simply reply, “I’m already down on you.”
6. I just don’t see how a man could be attracted to essentially a dead body protected by a clan of dwarves suffering from blue balls.
7. Surely for a second he must have questioned the situation he walked into was a hoax? He was being Punk’d? Or this was a strange dwarven sex cult?
8. If they made a Snow White 2 it would surely be a full on gang rape situation with 7 dwarves just going at her with no mercy.  Then Papa Smurf would pop out of nowhere, like “I’m going to eat our your ass!!”
9. Number 8 was completely factual.

A message from Rhodri to Tabs

SMS:
RT 12:24
Last night, I arranged to watch a film at this medics house who literally has aphrodities body, just the milkiest biggest tits in Cardiff. Got to hers circa 10pm, watched about 15 minutes of Kiterunner, got her naked and just went in HAM. Tore her up bare back viciously. Took a 10 minute post come break and just hit that shit again froggystyle. It was almost wrong the way we made love. I showed her no respect but after the finalshot to the mouthshe asked me to stay to cuddle. Obviously this was blasphemy so I told her I had an early lecture and left asap. TO MY DELIGHT I had a text from a Hollister whore who was in Revs asking where I was, so as I drove home I told her I just got back from Revs and suggested she should get a taxi to mine.The filthy whore obliged. She arrived, i took her upstairs, didn't even high five or hug her.
"I'm cold" she said
"My dick is warm"
She refused to take the hint, so I mounted her chest. (This spanned over a 28 seconds period)
Then just had her suck my dick, pinned down, at times forcing deep throat very much like throatfucking.com. Didn't even wash it having preeviously ruind medic girls fallopian tubes 10 minutes earlier. When she finished the deed I told her to get a taxi home. She did. Whore. I'M BACK TO BEING A GREAT PERSON!xxx

DT 12:34
Agreed. x

The Megabowl Report

MEGABOWL:- The assembly of a group of heroes, fighting the beer pong war to become the ultimate status of "more covered in beer than everybody" It is the mortal combat of SEGA, the Milk shake of porn http://xxxbunker.com/2666177, it is what post birth vaginal plastic surgery is to husbands in need, it is the moment saying No turns in to a court case. IT IS GLORIOUS.

(please note: This is a real event, only 2 desks were destroyed making this film. Stick with the full 2 minutes)

The beautiful moment in the final, where lives were changed for the better. Some people liken this moment to the falling of the Berlin Wall. It reminded me more of the birth of Jesus. We can all agree that Baby P made us proud with his Swan Dance début, Baby P is currently training to be a member of the Royal Ballet School we all wish him the best of luck.

Other mentions go to Nathan Bedford Forrest (first Grand Wizard of the KKK) who managed to distribute his semi-digested dinner in to his own pointed face mask.

BE A GOD AMONGST MEN!!

Mystery Woman

After boozing furiously with a bunch of crazy women (the fact that they were all in a synchronised menstrual plummet of hating men, had in no way any influence that I would leave them for the hopes of better things ahead) I left them.

Clubs were shutting and a plague of whores were roaming the streets, usually I would be more than intrigued to converse with these undesirables but I felt like something special was going to happen tonight. I stumbled, dribbled and pissed in public under no concealment of the shadows, there were rumours building in the crowd that assembled (a drunk couple walked passed).
"BRAVEHEART!" the man shouted
"FREEDOM!" I replied with no hesitation.

Just shaking myself off

I decided to move on from my spot light (street lamp). Little did I know that I was about to stumble across a new companion to travel with me along my treacherous journey home. There were some kind of forces that pulled us together, some might call it fate, I called it love. He looked so beautiful lying there unconscious in the flower bed, like a noble man. He had his wallet and his phone lying on his chest, yes I could have acquired his things. But I woke him. First I shouted.
"Hey, fuck face!" For some reason I thought that name suited him. No response. So I decided to get physical,  he received the hand of god across the chops. Understandably he was startled and he bellowed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom?"
He was obviously a fine drinker. I offered him my help and we started the walk home, my guess at his name was pretty close his name was James.

*

20 mins later and only 200m further on

*

A woman appeared in front of us. (Let's call him fuck face again or FF for short) FF was approached and they exchanged saliva, I thought that he had shit game so I slapped Whore on the ass, and she liked my game.  When I looked up from my use at the Bureau De Saliva, FF had gone. 

Whore (let's call her Whore for short) was walking home in my direction. She made a weird noise (she was talking) usually I would ignore any exchange of words, her choice of vocabulary was interesting.

"Pick a car?" she said.

I pointed nervously or slightly aroused can not quite remember. She elegantly stumbled over to the steel stallion, bent over the bonnet. And whorishly whispered the words of an angel. "Get it over with then."

I laughed but she insisted this was no joke.

*

I tricked her back to mine, by saying there was McDonalds next door, she wasn't fat but you knew she would always go large on her order.

*

After some time messing around. I invited her to fellate me, RSVP.... YES.

The only problem was she was a novice, and the invite clearly stated Master Jedi's ONLY. She was sucking like it she was a hoover, and there was a nasty stain on my dick. The pain was excruciating, I was trying to enjoy it, I really was, but I had to retract my offer (my penis). For her poor behaviour, I decided to use my 'stained' penis to hurt her, so I slapped whore across the face with it, obviously I was putting some power in to the cock slap and I followed through and punched her in the face as well. 

Whether it was the screaming or punching that I received, something was telling me that she was a little annoyed.

In the crotch area of her leggings was a finger sized hole, accessible for my single digit, yes. But not for a fist full of loving. Asking if removing them was an option, but we both knew that it was going to happen. I placed the index finger and middle finger of both hands in this wee hole. Using my HE-MAN strength I destroyed them in one foul swoop.

PRIDE RAN THROUGH MY VEINS.

My erection felt more powerful than ever, and insisted on getting on top. Intercourse was briefly experienced until my alarm went off for the 0430 KO. 

*

Slept in front on the TV

*

As the morning came round I was rudely woken up by the front door being slammed. I stormed the house looking for any stolen goods. Nothing was gone. Except one pair of my trousers. My failure to remember the legging destroying moment infuriated me as to why she stole my trousers.

Whores' A/S/L- Unknown/Female?/Unknown

Beer Pong

Beer Pong:- a sport or merely a game, beer pong is a lifestyle choice.

"Hey bob, what are you doing tonight?"
"Not much Allah (Tabs), you?"
"I'm going to be the king of the arena tonight, in some grueling beer pong battles, just me and my balls will decide the fate of my evening and maybe even the next few days."
A stunned silence filled the room, a mild fever of envy washed over Bob and his none beer pong playing friends.

My pre-game warm up

I always find it useful to limber up before a session, it's not like I have caddy to rub me down after a particularly sweaty encounter; these battles can go on for some time as well.

Game Plan

1. Always urinate before your first frame, the first game could be your longest and you do not want to be THAT GUY that wants to take a break mid game.
2. Pick-a-Cup, do not randomly aim for the lot, chose a cup and make that ball's destiny come true.
3. Some say that getting one testicle out on the table is unorthodox (some can fuck off)
4. Stay focused, your vision is blurred and your words are slurred but you must keep sharp. Do not get distracted by any nipples that might be shown as that nipple probably belongs to a man.
5. BE AWESOME, phrases like "I'm AWESOME" are acceptable
6. Make women feel uncomfortable, "This frame is going to be crazy good, because girls can not throw and girls can not drink!"

Hit 3 cups in a row and you are ON FIRE

Hit 5 cups in a row and you are LIVING THE DREAM

Most of all its about winning! 

HAPPY PONGING!